Just Take What You Need From The Ladies/Fifteen

I stopped Betty at the top of the hill for a moment, reluctant to return to the barn. There, behind Betty’s withers, with Tim’s body folding around mine, surrounded by the lush green alfalfa fields, I felt safe and insulated from reality. I am quite certain that the marijuana we had been smoking contributed heavily to the surreal feeling I was basking in. As thin as Tim was, his tall body, so close to mine, was reassuring and warm. I wanted to tell him as much, but, feared doing so. I could not, at that time, admit to him just how very much he meant to me. The idea of appearing so vulnerable to him was almost unthinkable to my youthful imaginings. And, I was uncertain, as always, of the reaction I may get.I feared Tim would bring up his reproductive concerns, later on, back at the barn. I found myself feeling, absurdly, hurt that he didn’t want to have a baby with me. Though having a baby had not really occurred to me before he had initiated the conversation, the idea that he wanted to prevent doing so, with me, stung in a way I found confusing, and, alarming. I wondered what he found lacking, in me, that would cause him to be so concerned about, “putting a baby in my belly.” And, I knew if I asked him that, or, told him how I felt, he would think me insane. I also wondered what he thought about my lack of reproductive knowledge. I cringed inwardly at my ignorance, and, made a mental note to myself to work harder on keeping my mouth shut. Just thinking about our conversation made me flush with embarrassment. I also feared he’d bring up taking me to school, and that he’d changed his mind about us spending the day together. I really couldn’t fathom how on earth I would manage walking into the cold, unfamiliar, unfriendly environment that was my high school, feeling as I was feeling at that moment. It seemed rather like stepping out into a cold winter's day after sitting in a nice, warm pickup for a period of time. I feared who may be at the barn when we returned, and, how they may intrude into the little cocoon I found myself in, this morning. I feared they might notice that I had been smoking pot with Tim, or, wonder why I wasn’t already in school. I feared Wayne may be there to gaze upon the two of us with disapproval. So, I sat there, atop the hill, with Tim’s thin body enveloping me, looking down the hill toward Wayne’s, unable to speak, and, willing time to stand still. So many thoughts were swirling around in my young mind that I could not even make small talk.
At the bottom of the hill was the road which would take us back to Wayne’s. I could feel Tim’s hands creeping underneath my shirt to my breasts. His hands were warm, and, I leaned back into him as his mouth moved over my neck. I thought about the coming days, and, wondered how I could cope in his absence. He had, in the few months I’d known him, become my whole world, the only thing I was able to focus on. I sighed, and, Tim spoke very softly, into my ear, “We got the whole day together, Sugar. Don’t be sad. I’m gonna take you home and make love to you, then, yer gonna cook me some breakfast, then, we’re gonna make love again. Then, we’re gonna come back to work, and, tonight, we’re goin’ to Tom’s for some Party Reinin’.”
Goodness. He had the entire day planned out. And, all of those plans included me! I supposed I would not have to endure going to school today, after all. I was pleased, and, once again, surprised. Tim was, generally, a man of few words, and, it was unusual for him to utter an entire paragraph without prompting. And, goodness, his large, thin hands felt marvelous on my breasts.
Betty was getting restless. Like Tim, she was not one to sit idle for long. Betty liked to be on the move. I made a smooching sound, which was Betty’s queue to lope, and, we cantered off toward Wayne’s. I noticed that Tim’s hands began clutching my breasts a little too tightly. “You’re hurting me! I guarantee you, if you’re going to fall off, my boobs are not going to keep you from doing so, “I exclaimed. Tim laughed, and, his hands lightened their grip, somewhat. I sympathized a bit with him. Betty was not the easiest horse to sit at a canter, particularly bareback. And, I had not warned him. I laughed at the thought of the Great Tim Hoyt being frightened of falling off, and, actually believing he could stay on via a pair of seventeen year old breasts. In fact, I could not stop laughing. I laughed so hard, I feared I would not be able to catch my breath. Then, the image of myself, hunched over Betty’s neck, laughing into the wind, with a cowboy’s hands on my breasts, made me laugh even more. My laughter was so out of control that I had allowed Betty to move, unchecked, into a rather speedy gallop. She was having a great time, barreling down the hill, however, it seemed my Cowboy was not, for he had relinquished one of my breasts for a grip on the reins, his large hand in front of my small one, effectively slowing Betty down. “Jesus, Cowgirl, you are higher than a kite. Damn.” He was laughing, however, when we got to Wayne’s, and, pulled up in front of the showbarn. I notice his hand had moved rather quickly from underneath my shirt…
He hopped off and pulled me down, quickly prying one of my eyes open with a thumb and forefinger. “Damn. I ain’t never seen you this high. Your eyes are on fire!!” he exclaimed, and, looked around him to see who was around. I giggled, which led to more giggling. I couldn’t stop thinking about Tim thinking my breasts would keep him from falling off my old broke show mare. “Jesus,” Tim said, grinning, “I’ve got to get you outa here, before somebody sees you like this.” He bent down and kissed me, lingeringly, on the mouth. I leaned into him, with a little help from Betty, who was poking me in the behind with her nose.
I heard a voice from behind Tim say, “I thought you didn’t do cowboys.” I peeked around Tim. It was Chris, an old friend whom I hadn’t seen in a few months. Chris and I had met, years ago, when Chris was showing in the speed events at the Quarter Horse Shows. I had helped Chris turn his pole bending mare into a reining mare, one show season, and, we’d been friends ever since. Chris was as tiny as Tim was tall, standing only a few inches taller than I did. Chris was also a known drug dealer, supplying most of the horse people with various drugs, which he obtained via unknown resources. I wondered what he was doing here, at Wayne’s. “D’Carlo!!!” I cried, glad to see him. “Shelbob, where in the hell have you been?” Shelbob was a nickname derived from the TV series, The Waltons, which Chris had called me for as long as I could remember. “I’ve been here, mostly, and, working for Burton, “I replied slowly, realizing that I felt as if someone had stuffed my mouth with gauze. Betty gave me a little shove with her nose again, pushing me into Tim, who’d stepped away from me upon hearing Chris’ voice. Tim chuckled down at me, one arm going around my middle, and said, “You gotta quit throwing yourself at me, girl. Patience.” Chris laughed, and, said, “So, the rumors are true, then? You two are going out. I didn’t believe it. Shelbob’s avoided cowboys like the plague for as long as I’ve known her.” Tim looked at me. “That true? What you got against trainers?” I looked at him blankly for a moment. I couldn’t think of a single response to that. It seemed someone had also filled my brain with gauze. I was really, really high. Without a word, I turned to lead Betty back to the mare barn. She wanted to finish her breakfast.
When I returned, I found Tim and Chris in the office. I was a bit nervous about what they may have been talking about, in my absence, but, I needn’t have worried. They were fumbling around, shoving things in their pockets. I wondered what on earth they’d been up to. They looked…guilty. I looked at Tim. In fact, my gaze sort of locked on him. I couldn't look away. I couldn’t think of anything to say. I guessed I was a great deal higher than I’d thought. Tim looked at Chris, and I looked at Tim. “She’s kinda high,” Tim explained, with a grin. “I’m gonna to take her home and do some really gross things to her in a minute,” he told Chris. Chris wondered,” Like what?” Tim looked at me for a moment. “I’ll never kiss and tell,” he said, with a wink. I added dramatically, “Trust me, you don’t want to know. He does the grossest things.” I finally looked away from Tim to Chris, who looked alarmingly intrigued. He looked at Tim. “So, how long does it take you to do all that gross stuff?” he asked. Tim wanted to know what time it was. Chris, who was the only one of the three of us wearing a watch, glanced at his wrist and replied,”It’s nine thirty.” Tim looked at me, again, then strode quickly toward me, scooping me up in his arms, “Okay, darlin’. We best get to goin’. “ he said to Chris,” Give us til lunchtime, okay?” I watched Chris get further away as Tim carried me off to his pickup. Chris called after us, “You guys sure you don’t want some company?” Tim said good naturedly, “I think we’ll do alright on our own. We been practicin' quite a bit. Thanks for the offer, though.”


On the way back to Tim’s, we stopped at the local supermarket. Tim kept his arm around my neck, because, as it turned out, I was so stoned I tended to get distracted and wander off if he wasn’t paying attention. We bought eggs, cheese, ham., a few other items, and, of course…beer. We made it into the house and put the groceries away, before he stripped me down to my birthday suit and, as promised, made love to me. He was very sweet, talking through it all and telling me how beautiful I was. He didn’t once mention my age. Afterward, we talked for awhile. I had more questions, and, was still stoned enough to have a loose tongue. I wondered, for example, how it was that he seemed to get better at, “it,” every time. He explained, in rather graphic detail, that my body showed him when he was doing something right, so that he knew how, and, when, to do it again. How sometimes, my body showed him nothing, so, he figured he shouldn’t probably do that again. I found all of this interesting, and, was dying to know more, however, decided to limit my questioning. I had already revealed far too much to him, and, I couldn’t imagine how ignorant he must think me. I did love the sound of his voice, though, especially when he was talking to me, about me. I leaned up on one elbow and smiled down into his blue eyes, quite pleased with myself, for the moment, and, enormously pleased with him. He smiled back at me, crookedly, and, added, “I keep meaning to try something new, so you don’t get tired of me, but, I get so damned excited when I get yer clothes off, I can’t remember what it was I wanted to try.” I felt a little flutter of…unease, I suppose, which must have shown on my face, for he laughed, and, flipped me over onto my back, climbing quickly on top of me, and pinning my arms over the top of my head by grasping both of my wrists in one of his hands. “You scared of me again?” he wanted to know. I stared into his eyes for a moment, unable to look away. “No. Why would I be scared of you?” I said breathlessly. “Ah,” he replied, “I’ve scared you again. Dammit.” I did not want him thinking he’d frightened me, but, I couldn’t think of a single thing to say, in that moment. I could have explained to him that I had begun to feel rather safe with him, and, that, for me, safe was good. I could have explained to him that, when he spoke of doing something different, in the bedroom, I immediately began to feel inadequate and, uncertain if I would be able to participate sufficiently. Had I said those things to him, however, he’d have known just how much thought I gave to…things. So, I said nothing. He rolled back over, sighing, and, pulled me close, so that I was laying half on top of him. “You be a spooky little filly, Shell,” he said softly, but, punctuated it with a kiss to the top of my head. Then, he added, “You don’t look like a Michele, or, Shelly. Anybody ever tell you that?” I replied that no one had. “What do I look like?” I wanted to know. He looked at me for a minute, before saying, “I dunno. How about Pixie? Or, Cindy? Or, Tinkerbell? Or Julie?” “How about you just start calling me Tinkerbell, then?” I said, dryly.
He then pushed me aside and rolled out of bed. “Time to make me some breakfast,” he ordered, lifting me up and patting me on my bare bottom. He was pushing me out the door, into the kitchen. I hadn’t a stitch of clothing on!! “Tim,” I cried, resisting, “I need to get dressed!!” He bent over and picked up the blue flannel shirt he’d been wearing, tossing it to me, with a big grin, before pulling a pair of jeans over his own naked lower half. “All I wanted was my girl to cook me breakfast in her birthday suit. That’s all I’ve ever wanted,” he mumbled dramatically as he followed me into the kitchen.

We had the radio blaring full blast, as I made his scrambled eggs, and, I worried the folks in the main house might hear us and come down to investigate. Tim reassured me that they never even ventured into the backyard, much less down the little gravel path to the guesthouse we were in. He looked like the cat that ate the poor canary, as he sat waiting for his breakfast. He had his arms folded behind his head, and, his feet stretched out on a chair in front of him, as he watched me at the stove.
Tim, like many cowboys I knew, washed his eggs down with beer. He made me eat, as well, so, I, like Tim, washed my eggs down with beer. I felt so grown up!!! We horsed around a bit, in the kitchen, and, I washed the dishes. We were listening to a hard rock station on the radio, and, strangely, Roberta Flack’s First Time came on. Tim grabbed me, and, I stood on his bare feet for some extra height as we danced in his kitchen. I was even bold enough to lean back against his arms, so that I could look into his face. Soon, of course, his hands were under my(his) shirt, and, I could feel a cool breeze on my lower half as his hands roamed my naked body. At that moment, I heard screen door squeak open. “Holy Moly, that’s some fine horseflesh you’ve got your paws all over, Hoyt,” I heard from the doorway, as three men entered the kitchen. Tim and I were both frozen, and, I believe we both realized, at the same moment, that Tim had my shirt hiked up over my waist, and, that I had nothing on underneath. Tim stepped away from me, then, however, the shirt was stuck to his pants, so that I remained naked, from the waist down. Tim quickly pulled the shirt from his pants and pulled it down around my hips, pulling me quickly toward him and whispering in my ear, “Damn, I’m sorry, Darlin’”

Our guests were Tom, Doug and Chris. I could not, however, look at them, just yet. In fact, I was hoping, somehow, that I’d become invisible. I clung to Tim’s arm and looked at the floor. “Don’t ya’ll ever knock? Jesus.” Tim was saying. He looked genuinely perturbed at them. Tom said, “I thought Ole Jailbait would be in school, man.” Tom was eying my bare legs as he said this, and, I glared at him. Jailbait? He certainly wasn’t looking at me as if I was jailbait. I asked Doug, “How come you’re not in school, either?” Doug grinned sheepishly, his blue eyes crinkling up at their corners, but, remained silent. I noticed that he, too, had roving eyes. Chris said, “I’m sorry, Shelbob. Gosh, I’m really sorry! I guess we’re a little early!” Chris, at least, wasn’t looking at me like a pervert. Chris then looked at Tim questioningly, and, Tim said, “Shell, we’re gonna do a little snort this morning, okay? You can’t tell no one, and, you don’t get any, either.” I looked at all of them. So, that’s what Chris had been at Wayne’s for, this morning. It was all coming together. But, Tom? Tom had little kids, and, a wife. I couldn’t believe that he was here to do cocaine. And, that he’d been looking at me so lecherously. Chris started pulling bags out of his pockets, and, Tim said, “We’re going to go into the bedroom. I don’t want to do this in front of her.” Why not? I wondered. And, why was I not allowed to do any? “What’s wrong,” I said, “You don’t want to share?” Tim said firmly,”You ain’t never done cocaine before, Darlin’, and, it’s best that it stays that way.” How did he know I’d never done cocaine before? I flushed a little with embarrassment. I was embarrassed to made to feel like a child in front of my friends, and, embarrassed to be standing in a room full of men wearing only a man’s shirt.

They disappeared into the bedroom for a bit, and, I realized that they had gone into the room which contained my discarded clothing. I wondered just where my underwear had ended up, and, if they’d be able to tell what had been going on in there, before they’d arrived.
When they emerged, they were laughing, and, soon, the tiny house was filled with loud male voices and the sound of the blaring radio. They all sat at the kitchen table, and, there was no place for me to sit. Though the hard wood floors felt warm under my bare feet, I felt conspicuously naked and vulnerable. Even Tim had put a shirt on, though it hung open. Tim must have noticed my uncertainty, for he patted his lap invitingly, grinning hugely at me. I crept over to where Tim was sitting, and, climbed onto his lap, trying to hide my bare feet behind his jean clad legs. Tim bent down and grabbed one of my feet, placing it against his other hand, curling his fingers over my toes. “See how little her feet are? Ain’t that the cutest thing?” he said to the others. Even Chris was leering a bit, this time. And, who could blame him? I turned half around to glare at Tim. He was acting a bit strangely, and, I did not appreciate him calling attention to my vulnerability. Also, as he lifted my foot up, the shirt had ridden up with my leg. I reached for my beer and guzzled it, as I pulled my foot away and tucked it behind his calf. I couldn’t believe I was sitting in a room with four men, wearing only a shirt. I had wanted to go into the bedroom and put my clothing back on, however, I felt that, by doing this, I’d be showing my shyness, so, I bravely wore my blue flannel dress.

The tiny house was filled with sunlight, and, the smell of marijuana was strong around us. The boys were all acting like wild animals, including Tim. I had never seen Tim acting quite like this before, and, I was feeling disconnected and uncertain, though I did not show it. Doug had pulled me off of Tim’s lap and was dancing around the room with me as Rush played loudly on the radio. Eventually, Tim said to them, “Ya’ll better get going. We’ll catch up with you at Wayne’s.” Tom said,”Why don’t you just ride with us in the Dually.” Tim looked at me, as I stood next to Doug. “I need a few minutes with my girl, Tom,” he said. Tom said skeptically, “A few minutes?” Tim said firmly, “Ya’ll go ahead. We’ll be there shortly.”
They filed out of the kitchen, then, and, the screen door had barely slammed shut behind them when Tim grabbed my arm and pulled me back onto his lap, this time, facing him. “I’m about to bust out of my zipper. You’ve been sitting on my lap with no panties for the last hour. A couple of times, I 'bout embarrassed myself.” He lifted me up for a moment, undid his zipper, then, searing pain. I gasped, but, did not cry out. I had my face buried in his shoulder to hide my grimace of pain. He had never hurt me like this before, had never just pushed himself into me with no…loveplay. “I’m so sorry, Darlin’. That’s gotta hurt like hell. God, it’s hurtin’ me!”
It mustn’t have hurt him too terribly, however, as, in a minute, he was groaning, and, it was over. I felt extremely disconnected from him, in that moment. Almost as if a stranger had just molested me. I laughed, nervously, to cover my discomfort, and, tried to climb off of him, wincing in pain as I did so. I had one foot on the floor, and, Tim reached between my legs to touch me where he’d just hurt me,”Ah, Shell. God, I’m so sorry. Ah, sweetheart. Don’t be mad. I just couldn’t help myself. I promise that won’t happen again.” His contrition was making me a bit emotional, and, I looked away from him quickly. “Ah, damn. Now I’ve made you cry. Sweetheart, don’t cry,” he pleaded, pulling my face down to his. I let him kiss me, but, I managed to get out,” I don’t cry.”